As a child, I searched for the mythical key
A secret I needed for protecting me
From the scorching words that crushed my soul
And the weapons wielded for the body blow
Causing crippling fear tearing at my seams
As rage was dealt out, ignoring my screams.
Suppressing my nature for childhood joy
I ceased asking favor or wanting a toy
Instead seeking all measures to be quiet and good
Helped my mother wherever I could
Perhaps if I could be good enough, quiet enough, pleasant enough
Suppressing my tears, my fears, and my pain
Perhaps somehow his mercy to gain
Then maybe I could get on with life
Avoiding unwarranted pain and strife
To no avail.
At last, into adulthood, I finally grew
Thankfully childhood days were through
Only to discover a painful truth
Bearing with me were the scars from my youth.
Into romances, I carried my pain
Now seeking from lovers their favor to gain
Once again, I was searching the key
The secret to winning some favor for me
Instead, I was met with a slap and a fist
And words wielded like knives to my heart with a twist
But maybe if I could be kind, or sweet, obedient, loving, and keep the house neat
Alter myself to meet his demands
Maybe he’d touch me with love in his hands.
Till one day I sought God, for to heal
And found in His Grace and favor
A safe place to shed many tears and pain
And to see I was loved by a Savior.
With newfound strength, I left the man
To stand on my own two feet
Only to find I felt led to another
Where I believed my needs, he would meet
But alas, it turns out I was wrong.
Yes, while I am singing a different song,
I’m feeling pain still the same
I’m so tired of this game
I’m tired of living life
I’m so tired of sorrow and strife
I’m tired; so very, very, tired.
G. D. Bohannon 5/5/22