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March 8, 2023

My dearest and most loved cousin,

This is a letter I never dreamed I’d write, and one I know your mortal eyes will never read; it’s over the reality of this for which I grieve, and I question, in these moments, if I will ever cease to grieve.
I think I can honestly say I never imagined I would find myself in this place and most especially right now, as opposed to say 15 or 20 years from now. Will my mind and my heart ever wrap around this unexpected reality… I honestly don’t know.
Only God knows how much I miss you, already. The pain of it is so real it’s palpable.
I find I keep scrolling through my phone reading, over and again, the text communications between us, and I ask myself why wasn’t there more. The business of life, I suppose; a reality I now regret.
Yet it’s evident every few months or so either you or I would reach out to make a connection checking to ensure all was well with the other. As we each had expressed, we thought of each other often, regardless of the actual texting taking place.
As I think back on it, now, I see that was really more or less the pattern we seemed to work on most of our lives. Life didn’t afford us the luxury of living within close proximity of one another, with the exception of the time we were 12-13 years of age, so given the circumstances, we seemed to find a groove that worked.
Yet, even when we did live only a couple cities away from each other the distance was such that parents still had to shuttle us, but thankfully for that spell, we could call without long-distance toll charges: I sure blew up your phone that summer didn’t I, ha-ha.
And oh, how rich are the memories from then with so many sleepovers at your house; I loved it; I absolutely never tired of being in your company, even when it was helping with household chores and babysitting your younger brothers. Was it just me, or did we just come packaged so compatible? It seemed, to me, no matter what we did, it just felt comfortable and relaxed and companionable being together. In my life, I’ve had friends come and go, but my love and friendship for you was a constant; something I knew it would always be.
My absolute favorite time of our lives is our teen years; before the demands and responsibilities and obligations of adult life. Even though the logistic distance between us kept frequent visits to a limit, I absolutely cherish all the memories we made together. From those years I find my mind is now flooding with so many precious memories. Right now, I am all the more thankful for them.
Along with actual times spent together, I cherish all the letters and cards, and photos with messages inscribed on the back. Always I felt a deep connection of a bond we shared. While I believe with all my heart it’s a bond death can’t take away, I find the prospect of sojourning the remaining days of my life without you being a mere text or phone call away, utterly heartbreaking.  
I see now I took it for granted an expectation that so long as I sojourned, you would too. Like a warm fuzzy blanket, I found comfort simply in knowing you were there, a mere phone call or text away.
Curiously, I woke up that fateful Tuesday morning knowing I’d dreamt about our grandmother. I’d dreamt of her often in years past; but not so much recently. I was keenly aware there was something different about this dream. My pondering on it was cut short and many details of it were removed from my mind upon waking. I’d experienced a sense of sadness in it, but it wasn’t like before wherein it was over missing “Gramma”; something was different. At the moment I just couldn’t identify what.
What I could recall of it was her arms reaching out as if in welcome. I thought perhaps it was a foreshadowing of a time to come in the future, assuming it related to me somehow. Little did I know…
That afternoon on the ride to Costco I felt a heaviness and deep sadness. Unable to find a reason for it I was really perplexed by it. The feeling continued on the ride home, but distractions soon kept me from pondering on it. Elayna woke up quite ill, the next morning which served to take precedence in my thoughts.
You’d been in my thoughts many times in the weeks prior and I’d had the thought to phone you; I regret allowing demands on my time and attention to distract me from following through. I’d noted not having received a response to a text I’d sent in January, but thought perhaps you’d gotten distracted and forgot to respond. As during that time and the weeks to follow I was stressed about a pending surgery, combined with all the legal details of applying for guardianship of Elayna, I didn’t worry about it,  knowing I’d hear from you come my birthday…
Only then I didn’t.
The day following my birthday, realizing it had come and gone without your customary greeting, I immediately texted you, checking in seeking to know if all was well. I anticipated/hoped to hear you’d gotten distracted, given that once actually happened with me, pertaining to your birthday.
Weirdly, that same day, a couple hours earlier, I was suddenly keenly aware of this sense of Déjà vu. It was such that I froze for a moment staring as I contemplated this keen feeling of something seriously significant about to hit. I wondered what it would be, but never for a moment did I imagine it to be what it would turn out to be.
The following morning, seeing you hadn’t responded to my text, I phoned you right away; my call went straight to voicemail. Fear and panic began to set in.  I realized I had no contact information for your parents or siblings so I began searching the internet for listings.
And I had a feeling, one I could no longer ignore.
I searched for an obituary with your name, desperately hoping to come up empty.
But there it was, your name, listed with a funeral home right there in your hometown. There were no identifying details, but the odds of someone having your name with that specific middle initial were so unlikely, yet still, I dared to hope.
Listed there was a death date, a mere two days before my birthday… it all felt surreal.
Yet, I had to know; I phoned them. Knowing your birthdate, I got confirmation.
I crumpled in tears.

From song words so familiar to us, which now ring so true for me:

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I’d see you again.  

(artist: James Taylor; song: Fire and Rain)

To me you have always been more than a cousin; you were cousin, best friend, and soulmate all wrapped up in one. I’m thankful God saw fit to put us on earth at the same time, and the same age, and in the same family system. What a gift you were to me. I just never imagined God would see fit to take you back this soon.
For my sake, I wish he hadn’t.
But for your sake, perhaps I should praise Him because if my dream means what I now think it meant, it suggests that your welcome into that beautiful heavenly realm, the place where there are no tears, no sorrow, no more death, and where the love of God abounds, also included stepping into the loving embrace of our grandma, who I know loved us so much. That must have been a beautiful moment.

You know, now that I think about it, contrary to the words of that song, I do, very much, believe I’ll see you again. Not in mortality, clearly, but in that great (family)reunion in the sky. All the more so now, I do so look forward to then. Perhaps, come the eternities, our times together then will actually even make our best times together here pale in comparison.
I’m going to count on it.

So, with that, my beautiful cousin and friend,
As always, I love you,

Gina