There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things in order, she contacted her Pastor and had him come …
Many years back, when she was a friend of mine, a married woman asked me if I’d ever experienced an orgasm.
We were in our early thirties at the time of this conversation; she was married to the same man who got her pregnant her senior year of high school.
She explained to me that she had never experienced one despite the fact that she had sex with her husband daily; a fact declared as she proceeded to tell me that each morning upon waking he would roll over and “do the deed”, then promptly get out of bed to shower. She would get up, gather together his clean clothing for the day and hand the bundle to him as he got out of the shower.
Up until the sixth year of living in the same neighborhood, she led me to believe her husband was the love of her life.
Thus, in the last year I lived in that neighborhood, I was disturbed to witness this same woman cheat on her husband as she launched into a friendship turned to affair with another man; someone who lived just down the street from me.
This man had been single a few years, his wife having left him soon after we moved to the neighborhood, for reason unknown to me. More recently he had been in a relationship with a single woman who also lived in the area. That relationship ended when this other woman died from a heart issue. It was then, this friend of mine, who until this point had been a “third wheel” in this trio friendship, seized the moment to further infiltrate herself into his life.
These two adults were not in the least discreet about their association after the death of the woman who created the common link between them, thus it was anyone paying attention could see their relationship was now more than just friends.
This woman’s husband was quite upset with the way his wife was carrying on but he seemed at a loss how to stop it. What he didn’t seem to recognize is he’d been effectively destroying his marriage relationship for a long time.
Yes, he provided financially, and yes, he certainly got his quota of sex; but there was so much more needed, thus so much more missing.
I was reminded of this incident this morning upon thinking on the matter of sex in relationships, and more specifically in how it correlates with a woman’s needs.
There’s no shortage of written material espousing the responsibility/duty of a woman to meet her husband’s sexual needs. Some self-proclaimed professionals pound mercilessly on women about their “duty” to have sex with their man whenever he “needs” or wants it.
Seldom, if ever, do I see mention of a woman’s needs, when it comes to this topic. And by “needs” I do not reference sexual.
In the story of that friend of mine; clearly she didn’t deny her husband sex, as she did her obligatory “duty” on a daily basis. His so-called “need”, which I believe he sought selfishly, was met.
However, her “needs” were clearly not being met, by him, as evidenced by her blatantly open affair with another man.
This “other” man (at least initially) was meeting her emotional needs, the needs her husband was failing to meet. Her desire to be with this other man was so strong she defied her religious beliefs, endured social criticism, and gave up husband and children, in order to be with him.
I can state with confidence it had nothing to do with sex, for her, but instead had everything to do with emotional needs.
What men DO need is to understand that women, by nature, have a strong desire for relationship and to love and be loved. Thus it is, a normal woman (I state it thus as there could be exceptions) will, by her nature, seek to give of herself to meet the needs of the man she loves when her she feels loved and cherished and fulfilled—which comes about when her emotional needs are met.
Imagine a young man setting out to buy the car of his heart’s desire. He’s endured driving his parent’s car, then his first jalopy, but now he’s in a position to buy the car of his dreams. So off he goes car “hunting” until he finds just the one; a beauty of a dream machine; a car he vows to treasure forever.
He proudly drives it around for all to admire. He starts out washing it regularly, tending to all its mechanical maintenance needs, and in return it provides him a sweet ride.
But after a while it loses some of its appeal to him, because, quite frankly, it’s become familiar.
It’s always there, dutifully parked in the drive, and starts up when he turns the key.
In the meantime, life demands start to weigh in on him. Maybe it is college, maybe it’s his job; whatever they are it is life demands. Between these and his recreational pursuits he doesn’t feel he has time and energy to put into his car like he did when it was new.
So he lets the oil change slide; he fails to do a timely tune up. His computer gaming and sleep needs don’t allow energy for the car washing.
But, still each day he depends on those trusty wheels to drive to his every desired location.
After a time of this, the day comes when he hops into his car, turns the key in the ignition and proceeds to drive down the road only to find his car is misfiring, spewing some smoke out the tail pipe, and in a word, driving like crap.
He gets out of the car and kicks it a few times in his frustration—damned car, what’s wrong with it! He has somewhere to go; he’s angry because this car is NOT properly meeting his need.
A woman is not so unlike a car. In order to run properly and not run “dry” she too needs proper maintenance.
From the book “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., I learned the following list of 5 needs, to which I’ve included my interpretation of each:
- “A woman needs affection”: To which I say, affection is not groping; affection is loving touch. She needs and longs for non-sexual hugs and kisses that say “I love you”–with no (sexual) strings attached. FYI: Sufficient amounts of that affection will lead to a loving desire that can be consummated in sexual activity when the timing is right.
- “A woman needs conversation”: She needs a man who cares about what she thinks and feels. She doesn’t need a man who pretends to “listen” while she talks hoping it will culminate in sex. She needs someone who is strive to understand and to care about what she has to say. As a side note: it’s reported many extramarital affairs come about upon a woman meeting a man who shows an interest in her thoughts and feelings and engages with her in meaningful conversation. So, for men, developing this skill is really important to the health and wellbeing of their significant relationship.
- “A woman needs Honesty and Openness”: The lack of these can be highly detrimental to a relationship. Feeling that you cannot fully trust your man to be completely honest and open can bring about a serious problem. It opens the doors for fear, distrust and suspicion. Dishonesty in a relationship makes so a partner never knows what to trust resulting in anything that appears suspicious can potentially inflame into full blown doubt and distrust.
- “A woman needs financial support”: I realize this could offend someone, but regardless, it suggests to be a fundamental truth. There may be exceptions, but my experience suggests a woman needs to feel her man is capable of taking care of her—even when she is capable of earning her own income.
- “A woman needs family commitment”: For me, time, energy, interest, love and loyalty of my husband to our family are very important, and cause me to feel closer to him.
While I in no way condone the aforementioned friend’s affair, I believe I recognize how it came about. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard of men who condemn the woman who cheated on them not seeing or understanding they played such a significant role in the breakdown of the relationship.
Affairs don’t “just happen”.
I feel rather like the Israelites who grumbled in the desert after Moses rescued them from years of slavery and bondage.
As a kid viewing the movie “The Ten Commandments” I was baffled that these people grumbled and complained whining their desire to be back in Egypt, despite it being where they suffered in bondage as slaves. Where they nuts!?!
As an adult I realize it was the only home they had ever known, so despite being delivered from bondage and abuse, the effects of leaving behind their homes, routine and familiar food, prompted in them a desire to go back; they wanted back what, although painful,l was familiar and thus comfortable.
The desert experience with its daily dropping from Heaven of Manna for food, (day after day after day again, albeit free) was NOT familiar and provided its own sort of struggles and trials.
For a long time, not so unlike the Israelites, I too have cried out to God, but for different reasons. I’m not in bondage, I’m not a slave (despite the occasional wisecracks that come from my mouth to that effect), and on the whole I am not unhappy with my life, as it is now (excluding income taxes and the ill effects of stomach viruses).
But despite living in a comfortable home with a husband and family I love, with plenty of food to eat and basically good health, I still feel the pains and stresses of this mortal life; I especially feel it each time I am made aware of the acts of evil that are becoming ever more pervasive in this world.
I find I long for that something more that I seem to innately know is to be had; despite what is good in this life I still long to go “home”.
That said, now that I am coming to recognize the signs of Biblical prophecy being fulfilled insomuch that I recognize just how close it is to the time when our Lord, Jesus Christ, Yeshua, will return for His people, I find that, not so unlike Lots wife, I seem to have this inclination to “look back”.
In realizing life as we know it actually has an expiration date, quite possibly much sooner than before anticipated, I realize this life that has become so familiar will become a thing of the past for me.
With the prospect of leaving all that is familiar becoming more imminent, I’m no longer so anxious to say good-by. I find I’ve a new sense of anxiety over the unknown, as this life I’m living is one in which I’ve become comfortable in its familiarity.
Thus, despite my every confidence that that which is yet to come: being with the Lord in the beauty and peace of His presence, wherein no evil thing can dwell, is far greater and more beautiful than anything we experience on earth, I find I feel an anxiousness for all that is mine here and now.
It leads me to think about Lots wife. With the exception of Lot and his immediate family, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah were grossly wicked, having turned far away from God. In consequence, God’s wrath was to come upon Sodom and Gomorrah, but because Lot had not turned his back on God, God warned Lot, in advance, so that he and his family could flee the city before it was destroyed.
However, Lot’s wife, despite being warned against it, turned back and looked upon the city with longing. This disobedience brought about immediate death to her.
As a child I didn’t understand why Lot’s wife turned back. I suspect a lack of faith in what was coming to her future factored into her looking back. That future was unknown and thus lacked the comfort of she already knew; that which was already familiar.
My logical mind recognizes that the things of this world pale significantly in comparison to what is promised those who love the Lord and choose Him.
Yet despite my faith in this, what I have and experience now feels very real to me, while what is yet to come is presently intangible and thus feels surreal.
Therefore I believe I understand those historical people a little better, and I recognize a need in me to be patient with myself as I strive each day to wait upon and trust in the Lord—and to wait and see.