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I dreamt of him again. It’s been almost six years since he took his own life.

I was in elementary school when I began a childhood romantic relationship with him; far too young to be needing a boyfriend, but I did, and he was.

His sister was one of my best friends. I became acquainted with her through my brother as she was his girlfriend. She is my brothers age which is a year older than me.

My boyfriend was her older brother; a year older than her, and he was also my brothers friend.

Thus it is we were all very young, all friends, and all needing love.

I think I feel some guilt. Based on my dream it would seem I have a desire to help him. Perhaps this is, in some way, connected to my awareness that, when we were young children, I hurt him.

Six years ago, upon learning he’d taken his own life, I was informed he’d been unemployed and thus likely depressed; like so many others, I suspect he was affected by the economic downturn of the time.

Last night I dreamt I was in the front yard of his childhood home. His mom (also deceased) and the sister, who was my best friend, were there. In my dream I administered an aptitude test to help him discover his natural skills and abilities. I then encouraged him to enter an educational program that would lead into a career job.

It was over 40 years ago I got mad and impulsively broke up with him upon his getting upset over my winning at a competitive game. I later learned, from his sister, he’d cried after that. I recall feeling bad upon learning this but I have no recollection of speaking to him of it or apologizing. Likely to do so didn’t even occur to my preteen mind.

Example of my parents interacting did not teach me to be rational, compassionate, kind or gentle. I was too young then to have developed relationship skills better than what I was raised with; that didn’t come until many years, several counselors, numerous self help books, and the experience of a painful marriage relationship, later.

Still it would seem that on some deep level of my psych, I carry a sense of responsibility for my actions, even if it was long long ago and I was very young.

 

 

 

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