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It started out with conversation. Somehow, in that conversation it became apparent I have some fairly strong opinions and beliefs that are not accepted in the typical mainstream of society. He pointed out his opinion of my character for which I felt criticized and shamed. But I so wanted his acceptance, and apparently his love also, that I attempted to justify myself hoping he’d see past my flaws and determine I wasn’t so bad, and accept and love me.

Conversation seemed to evolve into physical intimacy. Next thing you know he was holding and caressing me. And the kissing… the kissing was fabulous. It was just the way I like it; no forceful trusting of the tongue; it was instead gentle, caressing, teasing and tantalizing.

I began messaging his back; lovingly running my hands over the planes of a structure to which I am so familiar.

And naturally it evolved.

Suddenly I realized I was at a crossroads. I felt torn over which way I should go.

I remember thinking ‘this is why we shouldn’t entertain sin—because when we are in the heat of passion we don’t want to turn back’.

But I realized to go forward would be cheating on my husband; I did not want to cheat on my husband. But this lover with whom I was in bed wanted to go forward. He made his feelings clear when he stated: “either put out or get out”.

Next thing I knew I was slipping out his door, glancing down the hall and wondering how I could slip into my bedroom door without my husband realizing I’d been absent. Somehow, in my mind, however, that didn’t make sense.

It was then I realized my husband was in the bathroom. I slipped past unnoticed and I headed towards a family room I’ve not seen since that house was sold almost 20 years ago.

We were at the breakfast table, my lover across and to the right of me; my adult kids were there, and my husband was offering what turned out to be an awkward prayer. My lover looked at me knowingly; I attempted to avoid eye contact with him. He made a move to come sit next to me so my adult daughter sat down in that space preventing his doing so.

It was then stress and feelings of guilt woke me up.

And awake I have remained, despite the early hour of dark before dawn, as I wonder what in the world prompted such a dream!

I’m baffled by it.

I think I need a qualified psychologist….

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