Thanks to modern technology I was able to find and make contact with someone with whom I lost contact decades back. Clearly I’m not sharing a new concept, as to look at social mediums, such as Facebook, this type of connection has exploded over the past half-decade or so. But to talk about the wonders of technology is not my intent.
When I first learned of Facebook, MySpace was alive and well and growing strong. I didn’t really get into the MySpace thing, although I did have a page thanks to my daughter being savvy on the social medium scene. She pretty much created my page for me, and I actually figured out how to use it just enough to post maybe one or two things on it. But I never really understood it well enough to get very involved with it. Also, I’m not entirely sure I had that many people I knew to communicate via that means, anyhow.
Facebook was just beginning to break onto the scene when my older brother sent an invite to me. Being curious I checked it out and ended up creating a page. I shared about it with a few people. Within a very short time I watched as that social medium exploded. To be honest, I regret the explosion of Facebook and the serious decline of MySpace. But, that’s another topic.
Despite that, via Facebook, I have been able to say hello to many different people that I’d have not otherwise sought to contact.
There have been a few people that I’ve been really thankful to be able to contact; in most cases it’s been due to my feeling the need to communicate to them things I’ve felt were long left unsaid. Too often it’s been the desire to apologize.
I don’t know if everyone has this need, or if this is more exclusively for those of us who seemed to launch into adult life still carrying mucho battle scars and wounds from childhood that rendered us in a state of mad dysfunction insomuch that we tended to lay waste in the wake of our quest for fulfillment and completion via another person through intimate relationship.
During this time of madness in my young adult life, it would seem God saw fit to grant me the association of someone with whom I could have a relationship that was void of trauma and drama. Granted this came about through what might perhaps be somewhat an unconventional means, but, it seems, it filled a need. And with the passage of time I have come to recognize this friendship for what I believe it was—a gift.
I can’t say if it held the same significance for the other person that it did for me. While I experienced this particular relationship believing this man did in fact like me, I was also aware he was not pursuing me for a romantic relationship, and I was perfectly okay with that.
Now lest you think his reason being he is/was gay, that is emphatically not the case. And, unlike what too often seems to be circumstance in similar situations, I was neither overweight nor physically unattractive.
He was, and is, a handsome, physically active, outdoorsman type of guy, who was very busy with a newly established construction business that kept him very busy. He owned a nice truck, a beautiful red Corvette, and heaven only knows how many other cars. Despite his masculinity, he was also kind.
I was very petite, with a pretty face, long gorgeous blond hair, blue/green eyes, and was thin enough a strong wind could have blown me over.
To my 18, he was 28.
We met at church. He was fairly fresh out of an engagement relationship that broke up. Thus he was still licking his wounds and not yet ready for another love relationship. For reasons I could not now explain, as I simply don’t remember, I was not romantically interested in him—at least not for a couple years.
So our relationship was that of a companionable friendship that felt comfortable when we were together. His life was busy with work and my life was busy with all sorts of craziness. Thus, my memory suggests, we didn’t get together often, but we did get together periodically for an activity, and I remember them as being fun.
I wish my memory served me better as I expect I’ve forgotten a few, but what I do remember is an outing that included a ride in the Corvette, a spontaneous overnight trip somewhere way past Park City with the intent to see (I believe) a sunrise. I forget now just what it was we were going to see, but what I do remember is there was too much cloud cover. And on the way home he was tired, so I got to drive his truck all the way back the city, while he slept beside me on the bench seat. I have another memory of riding with him up to somewhere near Park City where he was building a log home.
One thing I must have seemed to know was when I needed a hand I could call him. One of my last memories is recruiting his help as one of my roommates and I moved to another apartment and needed help moving. He provided needed pick-up truck and muscle.
To my recollection it was not long after this that he and I went out again. I don’t recall the evening’s activity but I do recall stopping by his house afterward. While watching TV I attempted to snuggle up close to him. I’m guessing by now, being a couple years older, something was changing in me, and my feelings towards him. Shortly after snuggling up to him he determined it was time to take me home.
Mind you, I’m operating on 30 year old memories here, but while my memories are fading, it would seem my feelings associated with the memories, while tucked away dormant somewhere, managed to stay very much alive. It wasn’t until just very recently that they resurfaced quite unexpectedly, for reasons that are a mystery to me.
In any case, I am fairly sure that was the last time he and I got together.
I was sad when I realized things had changed between us insomuch that I sensed our friendship had come to an end. But my life being the manic mess that it was, I moved on to other people and things. And believe me, I could write volumes about the experiences and subsequent life lessons that came with those years. But worry not, I likely won’t.
In the meantime, as odd as it may seem, during the years to follow, with all the madness of my first marriage, I carried the memory of that friendship rather close to my heart. It would seem it meant a lot to me to have had a man friend who nice, fun, and was respectful towards me, all without any demands from me—most specifically of a sexual nature.
So, thanks to modern technology I have been granted the opportunity to reconnect with this friend from so many years ago. I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to thank him for his friendship. I believe it was something I really needed at that time of my life.
At the same time, however, I find I feel a sense of sadness because I realize we can never go back. It’s not I want to go back in time; it’s just I feel sad that, in this life, there are some friendships we can’t sustain according to the way they once were. I don’t mean to diminish the blessings of my life now. I have a family that I love and I’m married to a man I love who is good to me. But, even still, there is something about that man and that particular friendship that I miss.
Thus I find I hope such friendships are in fact something that can and will be restored in the eternal Heaven. The belief that my world can be full of rich and meaningful friendships throughout eternity, with all the people I have loved in my life here on earth, fills me with a renewed sense of hope and great anticipation for that time.